Rubber Ducky, You’re the One…
I take it all back. The commie sex fiend liberals are ruining this country. If a person fondly remembers her childhood bathtimes, if a person feels a special connection in particular to the Sesame Street character of Ernie, if a person still sings all the time the entirety of the song, “Rubber Ducky, You’re the […]
Read MoreHunter S. Thompson Stole My Plans for Death
No one is ever going to believe me now, but there are a few of you who can corroborate that it is my long-standing wish to have my dead body shot out of a canon. Now that my excellent and carefully crafted funeral plans have been stolen by none other than Hunter S. Thomspon, it […]
Read MoreExactly 1/2 of Thursday
11:00 A.M.: Meet Demba at Mafia-run pastry shop. Normally, I meet him at the library, but on Wednesday, when we usually meet, Demba’s wife was having her day care business inspected by the Department of Health and on Thursdays, the library doesn’t open until 1:00. Snobbishness about cappucino/espresso one of the uncanny similarities I share […]
Read MoreVisualizer
Maybe you had a hard day, a working Saturday. Maybe you read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas on a very long subway ride, almost the whole thing in one shot, like your own drug-fueled road trip on the Q train, complete with hallucintory attorney. Maybe when you came to you were a neighborhood in […]
Read MoreDollar Store
I just got back from a shopping spree at the dollar store. These are really the only shopping sprees anyone should go on. At a dollar per item, you can’t carry enough home to signifcantly deplete your funds. Today’s dollar store shopping list included: Three (3) martini glasses, unaesthetically imprinted with the excessively punctuated phrase […]
Read MorePeculiar
I am feeling most peculiar. My skin feels very sensitive, as if it is sunburned. It’s tender and feels rough from the inside, though from the oustide, to the touch, it feels quite normal. Also, it moves uneasily against my muscles, and my muscles, in turn, move uneasily along the bones. Perhaps it’s just dry. […]
Read MoreDO NOT REFRIGERATE
As I hurried to make the Metro-North train, a well-dressed older gentleman stopped me outside the secret entrance to the Oyster Bar. (I know this because I use the bathrooms in the Oyster Bar when the public ones in Grand Central Station are too crowded, and I use the secret entrance which leads directly to […]
Read MoreHABACHOOM!
People who sneeze or cough profusely on crowded subway cars earn a germaphobic glare from me–unless they are me. Due to the Microscopic Enemy, now in fast retreat, I have been hacking and sneezing my way through the week’s commutes. Yesterday, some kind of delay on the L train had piled up commuters four deep […]
Read MoreI Blame the Moron Puppet
I have heard some disturbing things. I have heard that the unelected leader of the nation I refuse to recognize laid out a terrifyingly imperialist plan at his $40 million pageant celebrating his second non-election to the position of Moron Puppet-Emperor of Evil. (The FUCK YOU movement sends its deepest regrets for being unable to […]
Read MoreLions and Leopards and Nazis, Oh My!
Since the media outside this country is far more likely to accurately report on what’s going on in it than our own news media, I frequently turn to foreign newspapers to stay informed. While studying abroad in England during college, I was amazed to find out that England has a broadsheet that willingly identifies itself […]
Read More