I Blame the Moron Puppet

I have heard some disturbing things. I have heard that the unelected leader of the nation I refuse to recognize laid out a terrifyingly imperialist plan at his $40 million pageant celebrating his second non-election to the position of Moron Puppet-Emperor of Evil. (The FUCK YOU movement sends its deepest regrets for being unable to attend this event.)

I wouldn’t know. I’m in a news blackout. I tried to get a Sunday Times today but found all the newsstands and delis sold out, and so the blackout continues. The news of today is that the moon is full and casts such a gentle bluish light on the glittering piles of crystallized water.

While everyone in the Northeast is under the weather, I am doubly under the weather. It seems that some microscopic enemy is taking advantage of my weakened constitution to use my larynx as a temporary home. I can’t imagine this has anything to do with last weekend’s extended exposure to the elements on the oceanic cliffs of Newport, followed by a solid week of nightly debauchery during which I drank, smoked and screamed along with the rock bands I went to see quite a bit and slept hardly at all.

No matter. I will soon vanquish this microscopic enemy. I will root it out wherever it may hide. Even though this enemy is in my larynx, I think I will begin by bombing my big toe. There’s oil in my big toe and I’ve always felt that it was against me.

The good thing about having no sense of moderation whatsoever is that while this behavior can make you sick, it can also hasten your recovery. It’s all a matter of seeing your road to wellness as another–albeit different–form of overstimulation.

Today, I am the Ozzy Ozbourne of folk remedies. There is no immunosupporitve substance I haven’t tried, or mixed with another immunosupporter. I am currently drinking some tea made from ginger, lemon juice, raw garlic, cayanne pepper and honey and feel almost good as new already. I’ve knocked back several shots of herbal cold remedy, chased ’em with glasses of Emergen-C, and popped a few zinc pills on top of that. For good measure, I watched an episode of M*A*S*H. If that doesn’t cure what ails me, I will have to take to my bed and wait for the high color of consumptive flush to rise in my cheeks before I begin receiving visitors to pay their final farewells.

I know that the evidence I’ve presented here makes it seem like it’s my fault that I’m sick, and while I do take full responsibility for my actions, I would like to say that it is also no coincidence that I have fallen ill in the week of the Inauguration. I consider my laryngitis to be a direct result of the horrific policies of the Moron Puppet-Emperor of Evil’s administration, and I am going to bill him accordingly for damages incurred on account of being unable to go sledding today at the park. I realize that this is one of the lessor charges against this administration, and I am perfectly willing to wait until the Hague is all through prosecuting them for their war crimes and human rights violations before the multinational panel of judges hears my case.

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