Alive!
I know, I know. It’s been ages. I won’t bore you with excuses, but rather entice you with the promise of ramblings to come. I went to a wedding. I went to war. I got virally invaded and have been coughing myself a set of six-pack abs. Nutella-and-banana sandwiches are taking care of that condition, […]
Read MoreMayday! Mayday!
On Capital Punishment: Last meals are barbaric. If a person is considered sufficiently devoid of humanity to be executed, what aspect of his or her person are we acknowledging by fulfilling a request for steak? How can the state decide that a person doesn’t deserve to live, but does deserve a lobster? Shouldn’t the message […]
Read MoreHomecoming
The other day I was reading my New Yorker on the [f***ing] G train when I smelled smoke. My neurotic fears of death by terrorism on the subway were trumped by my equally developed New Yorker non-plussability. The smell of smoke was in no way linked to any thoughts of death, nor to even consciousnly […]
Read MoreDigital Trauma
A month ago I slammed my finger in a door. I blame my boyfriend for this. We were in the bar where we went on what could be called our first date, which was actually a weekend-long hangout a little over a year ago. As I walked into the bathroom I was flooded with memories […]
Read MorePlease Forgive Us For the Slight Delay. We’re Sorry For Any Inconvenience It May Have Caused You.
Yes, there was a new post, but it had question marks where all the apostrophes and quotation marks should be, and that’s not very pleasant, is it? It will be here for your reading pleasure as soon as I have time to remove all the question marks and replace them with the proper punctuation. I […]
Read MoreCrazy People
There are certain trains, roads and places that always warrant the placement of the phrase “[The] fucking” in front of them. As in, “The fucking G train” or “fucking LaGuardia Airport” or “The fucking DMV.” I-95 is one of those entities. Today the fucking bus broke down on fucking I-95. After a tense half-hour waiting […]
Read MoreI’d Like To Thank the Academy
And the Calphalon Stainless Steel 3 Quart Saute Pan goes to…. “Oh, wow. Wow. What an incredible moment. Just–just so many people. My incredible parents, Ann and Carl, who first made me aware of health hazards not necessarily on the radar of mainstream America. My brother, Noah, who told me that this was a good […]
Read MoreRelationship Woes At the Italian Pastry Shop
“I heard you and your girl broke up. You were together a long time, yeah?”“Two years.”“What happened?”“She was a money-hungry woman.”“Well, you’re a money-hungry guy.”“Exactly. Two money-hungry people is no good.”“But you gave her everything!”“I gave her everything and more.”“So what’d she want?”“She wanted blood.”“You took her to Miami!”“I took her to Italy, too. And […]
Read MoreNoise
Today was one of those days you could hear all the clocks ticking. I sat down after doing the dishes to admire them all lined up in the drainboard, blowing the air past my pursed lips with the authority that says, “What important task am I going to tackle with ease and aplomb next?” but […]
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