I’d Like To Thank the Academy

And the Calphalon Stainless Steel 3 Quart Saute Pan goes to….

“Oh, wow. Wow. What an incredible moment. Just–just so many people. My incredible parents, Ann and Carl, who first made me aware of health hazards not necessarily on the radar of mainstream America. My brother, Noah, who told me that this was a good pan to buy. My roommate and best friend, Rebecca, who said, “I’m not cooking in Teflon anymore.” All of my amazing family and friends just too numerous to mention, you know who you are and how much I love you. My hair stylist, Ana Paula, who believed in my hair when I didn’t believe in my hair. Of course, thank you to the Academy, for daring to reward brave choices, unusual choices, discontinued choices. This is such an honor, such an honor. And my love, Joe–I would never have had the courage to try to snipe on eBay if you hadn’t told me about it. You’ve been by my side through this journey, through all the Calphalon stainless steel 3 quart saute pans I didn’t win, your love has sustained me to this moment and I share it with you. Baby, I am going to cook you some swiss chard in this pan.

“I’m going to end on a serious note–There are just so many people in the world who don’t have any restaurant-quality cookware, and this administration is making it more likely every day that they never will. IMPEACH BUSH!

“Thank you.”