My Presidential Platform: The Second Amendment and Guns
Clearly, it was intended by the long-dead slaveowning colonists with whom we are all so needlessly obsessed that only the military have guns. The military—which, remember, is only the Special Forces–will have some guns, with which to whack our enemies before dumping their bodies in the ocean. No one else will have guns.
I know guns are fun at bachelor parties, and good for shooting your dog if s/he is suffering at the end of his/her life and you live on a remote subsistence farm, and also useful if you are attacked by an animal like a Grizzly bear in a place like Alaska, but things have gotten out of hand. We are just going to have to make do with darts at bachelor parties, lethal injections to euthanize our aged pets, and mace for the bears.
Superman will throw all of the guns into the sun.
That is the end of the gun discussion.
It’s for the children.
Next plank: About the Football