My Presidential Platform: Homeland Security and the Military

Welcome to My Presidential Platform: A Living Document and manifestation of destiny. Here is what we are going to do about war.

I’m leading with this because it’s a big issue, and one on which a woman needs to come out strong. I’m also leading with this because I am a leader—your leader.

The United States loses all the ground wars it fights. Even when we win the wars, which we never do, we really lose.

The civilians in the countries where we fight these wars lose. So do the young Americans who fight them. These are lose-lose-lose situations. Losses include loss of life, limb, sanity, stuff, and money.

As in relationships, climbing, and vehicular maintenance, at some point, you have got to get real with yourself about what is or isn’t working, or going to work, ever. This whole war thing just isn’t working. It has never really worked. It is not going to work, ever.

However, the hit on Osama bin Laden was pretty successful. It also appeared to have little to do with the two simultaneous and decade-long ground wars supposedly enacted in its pursuit. As President, I will take out our real enemies with targeted attacks, without the added expense of ground war(s).

Let’s assume that Osama bin Laden was a real person, and he really did mastermind the 9/11 attacks, and the CIA really did find him in Pakistan and the Navy SEALs really did kill him and then dump his body in the Indian Ocean while the president and his cabinet watched this all go down via military-grade Go-Pro camera from the White House Situation Room.

situation room

Let this be an example of how my foreign and military policy will function.

We will no longer pursue ground wars, nor wars of any kind, anywhere, for any reason.

Most of the military will be re-purposed (see below), with the exception of the Special Forces. The Special Forces—Navy SEALs, Army Rangers, etc.—will be beefed up by a power of ten.

We will no longer act under the absurd pretense that large-scale killing saves lives, or that democracy can be spread through the repressive occupation of another country, or that dictators need to be overthrown, but only, coincidentally, in countries with oil underneath their ravaged lands, while other brutal dictators in countries with less oil underneath their ravaged lands are left in power, or given money and guns.

The CIA, NSA, FBI and other intelligence agencies will be left intact. We will protect ourselves from future threats by better organizing the information that these agencies have. I have a number of close associates who are database programmers, librarians, and archivists, and one friend who is so good at stalking her past and future boyfriends on the internet that she should have no problem spotting terrorists. The efficacy of these agencies can be improved by the dedicated efforts of such persons whose assistance I have already secured.

Under my administration, we will only have spies and assassins. They will carry out our foreign policy. Our foreign policy is very simple:

If you fuck with us, we will find you, kill you, and dump your body in the ocean.

I learned this simple yet highly effective policy from watching the Sopranos.


 The way to maintain power and protect yourself and your interests is to send, and then make good on, this message:

  • Don’t fuck with us.
  • If you fuck with us, we will:
    • find you,
    • kill you, and
    • dump your body in the ocean.

This is my two-point foreign policy. (Three points, if you count the War Is Over part.)


This will work much better–and be much more cost-efficient–than sending hundreds of thousands of young people to hostile environments and depriving them of sleep while arming them heavily and telling them that everyone might be their enemy, until, in a state of sleep-deprived primal fear, they shoot one another and the local area men, women, children, and animals.

Because the president is a certified scuba diver, an enthusiastic paddler, and a rock climber of moderate competence, she will accompany the Navy SEALs on missions for which she is qualified, as a show of her good faith about only sending Americans into dangerous situations which she herself would be willing to enter. The president will not shave her head like Demi Moore in G.I. Jane.


After these missions, action movies will be made glorifying the actions of our Special Forces, in the tradition of ancient epic war poems and the more recent, and I thought quite good, Zero Dark Thirty.

In this manner, the nation will remain informed about the actions of its government on its behalf, and still get to see things blow up, which many of us, including the president, really enjoy.

Does it really matter if the things being blown up are real, as in this photo:


or fake, as in this photo?


No, it doesn’t matter! It is just as visually pleasurable to watch fake things blow up, and also feels good to know that no one was hurt.

But the military is such an important skill-building/job-providing environment for young people! What will these young people do with all of their youthful aggression and desire to learn and use specific skills if they don’t go around killing people that other people in suits tell them to kill?

A list of ideas, by no means exhaustive:

Priority #1: The North Pacific Gyre

  • All of the aircraft carriers and most of the regular Navy will be sent to the North Pacific gyre to clean up the giant island of garbage. We have got to do something about this giant garbage island. It is just such an eyesore and it is destroying so much beautiful wildlife. Surely if the (former) U.S. Navy can land airplanes on small squares of concrete in middle of the ocean, they can do something about this garbage island. If they do not have to buy bombs, then they can buy all kinds of equipment, like Jetskis.

More ways young people can expend energy & aggression besides killing other young people in other countries:

  • Painting murals (Great suggestion, Andrea!)
  • Building and fixing bridges and other infrastructure (preparing for the climate-change induced sea-level rise and extreme weather)
  • More public swimming pools—and lifeguards. Did you know that almost half of all Americans can’t swim? Every year, an average of 3,880 people die by drowning—almost 1,000 more people every year than were killed in the 9/11 attacks. Oceanfront lifeguarding is physically demanding, exciting, and team-building. It would be an excellent substitute for many military pursuits, with the added bonus of saving lives instead of taking them, and much-decreased likelihood of sustaining a devastating injury or developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
  • Extreme sports, less extreme sports, yoga, video games, healthy amounts of masturbation, compulsive masturbation (while not healthy, still preferable to violence), dry-farming Early Girl tomatoes
  • More trains!
  • Learning to do Subaru/Vanagon conversions
  • Alternative energy development, installation, and maintenance
  • Kinetic sculpture
  • Composting
  • Wilderness search-and-rescue
  • Sex-positive female-empowered pornography
  • Staring at a wall while drooling in a K-hole
  • Kombucha!

Drone Program

The drone program will be discontinued, in favor of the greater precision and efficacy of our Special Forces. The drones will be sold to Amazon.com, enabling FREE two-day shipping to all customers, even those without an Amazon Prime membership.

Coming Soon: Next plank in My Presidential Platform: Israel!

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  3. […] with whom we are all so needlessly obsessed that only the military have guns. The military—which, remember, is only the Special Forces–will have some guns, with which to whack our enemies before dumping their bodies in the […]

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