My Presidential Platform: Ethics, Baseball, and the Elimination of the Senate

The previous plank in my presidential platform can be read here. Read all posts here.

There will be no more Senate Ethics Committee. That’s an oxymoron. (In fact, there will also be no more Senate, due to a very convincing article I read in Harper’s. Read this article and see if you don’t think the Senate is ridiculous!) Having people who are themselves insanely corrupt wear suits and talk about ethics—even in a room with a very high ceiling—is just as ridiculous as having a few dozen slaveowning colonists define right, wrong, and freedom for all eternity.

In addition, the United States government will no longer take an interest in the use of steroids in professional sports. Let’s stop pretending that the game we are playing is “who can hit the baseball the farthest or ride the bike the fastest through France without using performance-enhancing drugs?” Let’s admit that the game we are playing is “who can hit the baseball the farthest or ride the bike the fastest through France by any means necessary?”

I am 35 years old. I am old enough to be the president. It is time to let go of our childish delusions.

Next plank: The Second Amendment and Guns