My Presidential Platform: Abortion
Here is how we are going to resolve the abortion “debate,” once and for all.
Abortion is universally legal, free, and widely available to any female of any age without any obstacle. It is not a choice “between a woman and her doctor.” It is a choice between a woman and herself.
So, too, is the morning-after pill. So, too, are all forms of birth control, so the abortion rate is going to go way, way down. Anyone who has a problem with any this is welcome to engage in a healthy and democratic debate with the President about this issue in the following fashion:
1. Any opponent of abortion—or any form of reproductive choice—is welcome to give the President a pelvic exam on live television/livestream video. If it is truly okay to make the reproductive systems of others a public matter, then this won’t be weird at all. The President will 3D-print her own speculum (the medical tool used in to look inside a woman’s birth canal), as well as get a Brazilian wax and possibly even Vajazzle.
2. The President will then reciprocate in kind. If my opponent is female, I will then give her a pelvic exam on live national television. (This was a consciousness-raising/team-building exercise quite popular in the early phases of the feminist movement.) If she likes, I will also throw in (at taxpayer expense) a free Brazilian wax & optional Vajazzle from my personal White House bikini waxer. If my opponent is male, I will give him a prostate exam, followed by the STD screening in which an extra-long Q-tip is inserted into the urethra. (My personal physician has already provided me with the necessary swabs.) If my male opponent wishes, he may also be waxed and have rhinestones glued to that area of his body, too. Why not? If publicly discussing the reproductive areas of others is not weird, then neither is gluing rhinestones to the reproductive areas of politicians who instigate and perpetuate these public discussions, claiming that God told them to.
3. Then, my opponent and I will go to an orphanage where we will adopt orphans together. Maybe UN Ambassador Angelina Jolie Pitt will come.
This will prove that people who want other people to bear children they don’t want and can’t care for are fully prepared to walk their talk and raise those children themselves. After this politician has proven that he or she is willing to adopt a child someone else didn’t want or couldn’t care for, he or she can speak publicly, and with more authority, about how others should do the same.
4. Then, my opponent and I will go around the world together with our adopted children and Angelina Jolie Pitt and my personal epidemiologists and their kids and cure the 3 million or so children who die of preventable diseases every year. People can be very attached to children who have been carried to term, born as babies, and raised to be infants and toddlers—sometimes even more so than to unwanted and/or harder-to-see embryos or fetuses. And these extra-uterine children are so much easier to “save,” because they exist where we can see them, namely, outside of uteruses. So let’s get to saving them! Because if people who are against abortion are really into saving babies, they might really enjoy actually saving some babies. In their current situation, they don’t really get to save any babies. That must be frustrating and is probably a big part of what is leading to their uncontrolled outbursts of rage.
5. Abortion will still be legal, safe, and available, forever, everywhere, for any reason, no matter what, because any other course of action is not only absurd, but in a word: perverted.
Looking forward to the healthy debate about this important subject! (And possibly getting Vajazzled.)
Next plank: Religion