My Presidential Platform: Religion

The previous plank in My Presidential Platform can be read here. Read all posts here.

Always a good segue from abortion to this topic.

It is an unspoken requirement of most presidents that they go through the motions of religion and profess to believe in God. But if politicians really believed in Jesus and listened to what he said, they would not have wars or treat poor people so badly. The actual message of the document they put their hands on when they get sworn in is “don’t kill people” and “be nice to poor people.”

As your president, I am not going to be able to actually be religious. I am pretty sure we humans are alone in a godless universe, and that we are destroying our only true source of connection to both one another and any energy greater than ourselves, which is nature.

But being an American isn’t really about believing in anything, or even going to church. Being an American, and an American president, is about being fake-religious. My fellow Americans, I am prepared to be just as fake-religious as any other president.

If it pleases the nation to think their president fears God, then I will pretend to be into Judaism just as much as all of our Christian politicians have pretended to be into Christianity.

Conveniently, I was never bat mitzvahed. As President, I will be bat mitzvahed. The theme of my bat mitzvah will be, “I’m the President, Bitches!” I will learn to read my Torah and Haftora portions without vowels. The Marine Band will play a special klezmer arrangement, “Mazel tov to The Chief!” The after-party will be in the White House bowling alley. It will have a Lebowski theme.

Next plank: Balancing the budget (and resolving some daddy issues).