Em, Bittered
Four bitter list poems for Valentine’s Day.
I. Reasons I Have Lost Men to Other Women
Was not blond
Did not have boobs yet
Could not keep hacky sack aloft
Could not blow glass
Could not walk barefoot in glassblowing studio and not get glass in foot
Was not tall
Was not elfin
Was not German
Was not Israeli
Used big words
Sent long emails
Did not play bass
Could not drive stick shift
Did not drive pickup truck
Did not live on houseboat
Was not blond
Wouldn’t row Class IV
Couldn’t climb 5.11
Wouldn’t lead 5.10
Couldn’t boulder at all
Smoked too much weed
Didn’t drink enough whiskey
Didn’t have house in Tahoe
Didn’t want to have a threesome
Wasn’t a Marxist
Wasn’t an anthropologist
Didn’t care enough about native plants
Wasn’t 38
Wasn’t 22
Wasn’t a sailor
Wasn’t a farmer
Wasn’t a mule packer
Made remark that could be construed as anti-Semitic without first explaining I was Jewish
Didn’t sew
Didn’t can
Didn’t thru-hike
Didn’t bike tour
Did not cut cheddar cheese into uniform cubes
Did not make scenes
Did not make scones
Wanted too much
Didn’t ask for enough
Refused to play games
Played them, and lost
II. Things Men Have Said to Me Other Than “I Love You”
I like your car
I like your house
I like your hair
I like your life
I like hanging out with you
I like spending time with you
I like the way you see the world
I like your mellow approach to things
I think you’re great
I think the world of you
I didn’t mean to use you
I didn’t mean to hurt you
I didn’t mean to insult you
I didn’t mean to lead you on
I didn’t mean to leave you in want
I didn’t see this as a long-term thing
I don’t want to make you feel bad
I don’t want you to get your heart broken
I don’t want to be in a committed relationship
I don’t want to be in a committed relationship with you
I don’t want to be in a committed relationship right now
I don’t want to be in a committed relationship with you right now
I don’t want to be in a committed relationship right now with you
I can’t give you what you want
I can’t marry you and give you babies
I want to be friends
I want to be a free agent
I want to keep doing what we’re doing,
and then I want to find someone to spend my life with,
but that’s not you
Just tell me what you want me to do,
and don’t take advantage of me
because you’re more intellectual than I am
I should have thought about this
I should have said something
I should have told you
I should go
I’m scared
I’m confused
I’m conflicted
I’m married
I’m not in a good place
I’m not a good person
I’m in a super long-distance thing
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry,
Emily.
III. Men You’ll Meet If You Don’t Meet a Man
Married guys who write you letters telling you they dreamt about you
Married guys who buy you dinner when their wives work nights
Married guys who don’t wear rings
Married guys who kiss you on the lips when they greet you in the absence of their wives
Married guys who kiss you on the lips when they greet you in the presence of their wives
Divorced guys who drink
Divorced guys who talk about their ex-wives
Divorced guys who drink and talk about their ex-wives
Divorced guys who can’t commit
Divorced guys who commit as if you are inflatable and they are drowning
Men who hate their exes
Men who hate their mothers
Men who hate themselves
An ex-Catholic who asks “Do you always enjoy sex so much?”
An ex-Catholic who springs from the bed, face blood-red, and strips it bare
Guys who say, “Sex isn’t important.”
Guys who say, “I think I could be a writer, too.”
Guys who need help with their resumes
Guys who need help with their cover letters
Guys who need help with their curricula vitae
Guys who need help with their doctoral dissertations
Guys who need help with their PowerPoint presentations
The Sailor
The Farmer
The Fisherman
The Spaniard
The German
The Frenchman
The Mexican
The Canadian
The Brit
The Poet
The Bipolar Bisexual
Over-thirty undergrads, unhappy graduate students, self-loathing lawyers, self-doubting painters, self-important documentary filmmakers, overconfident composers & didactic inventors
Polyamory practitioners, unethical nonmonogamists, tantric sex aspirants, hypersensitive narcissists, functional alcoholics, clinical sociopaths, pathological liars, prospective date rapists, blowhards, assholes, idiots, & creeps
Exes and their current girlfriends
Exes and their current wives
Brothers of your friends
Friends of your brother
Drummers in bands at weddings at which you are a guest
Brothers of the groom at weddings at which you give a toast
Cousins of the bride at weddings in which you are a bridesmaid
Guests at weddings in which you are the maid of honor
Best men at weddings in which you read a Rilke poem
Groomsmen at weddings in which you read an original poem
IV. What You’ll Be If You Aren’t The One
older
younger
independent
“interesting”
funny
Jewish
the Californian
the American
the New Yorker
the writer
the stoner
the conversationalist
the adventurer
the libertine
the listener
the friend
the bed
the roof
the shower
the cabin
the boat
the Wi-Fi
the willing
the warm
the wet
the coffee
the view