{superlefty}

Em, Bittered

Four bitter list poems for Valentine’s Day.

the human tongue

I. Reasons I Have Lost Men to Other Women

Was not blond
Did not have boobs yet
Could not keep hacky sack aloft
Could not blow glass
Could not walk barefoot in glassblowing studio and not get glass in foot
Was not tall
Was not elfin
Was not German
Was not Israeli
Used big words
Sent long emails
Did not play bass
Could not drive stick shift
Did not drive pickup truck
Did not live on houseboat
Was not blond
Wouldn’t row Class IV
Couldn’t climb 5.11
Wouldn’t lead 5.10
Couldn’t boulder at all
Smoked too much weed
Didn’t drink enough whiskey
Didn’t have house in Tahoe
Didn’t want to have a threesome
Wasn’t a Marxist
Wasn’t an anthropologist
Didn’t care enough about native plants
Wasn’t 38
Wasn’t 22
Wasn’t a sailor
Wasn’t a farmer
Wasn’t a mule packer
Made remark that could be construed as anti-Semitic without first explaining I was Jewish
Didn’t sew
Didn’t can
Didn’t thru-hike
Didn’t bike tour
Did not cut cheddar cheese into uniform cubes
Did not make scenes
Did not make scones
Wanted too much
Didn’t ask for enough
Refused to play games
Played them, and lost

tongue map

II. Things Men Have Said to Me Other Than “I Love You”

I like your car

I like your house

I like your hair

I like your life

 

I like hanging out with you

I like spending time with you

I like the way you see the world

I like your mellow approach to things

 

I think you’re great

I think the world of you

 

I didn’t mean to use you

I didn’t mean to hurt you

I didn’t mean to insult you

I didn’t mean to lead you on

I didn’t mean to leave you in want

I didn’t see this as a long-term thing

 

I don’t want to make you feel bad

I don’t want you to get your heart broken

I don’t want to be in a committed relationship

I don’t want to be in a committed relationship with you

I don’t want to be in a committed relationship right now

I don’t want to be in a committed relationship with you right now

I don’t want to be in a committed relationship right now with you

 

I can’t give you what you want

I can’t marry you and give you babies

 

I want to be friends

I want to be a free agent

I want to keep doing what we’re doing,

and then I want to find someone to spend my life with,

but that’s not you

 

Just tell me what you want me to do,

and don’t take advantage of me

because you’re more intellectual than I am

 

I should have thought about this

I should have said something

I should have told you

I should go

 

I’m scared

I’m confused

I’m conflicted

I’m married

 

I’m not in a good place

I’m not a good person

I’m in a super long-distance thing

 

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

I’m sorry,

Emily.

 

tongue-taste-diagram

 

III. Men You’ll Meet If You Don’t Meet a Man

Married guys who write you letters telling you they dreamt about you

Married guys who buy you dinner when their wives work nights

Married guys who don’t wear rings

 

Married guys who kiss you on the lips when they greet you in the absence of their wives

Married guys who kiss you on the lips when they greet you in the presence of their wives

 

Divorced guys who drink

Divorced guys who talk about their ex-wives

Divorced guys who drink and talk about their ex-wives

 

Divorced guys who can’t commit

Divorced guys who commit as if you are inflatable and they are drowning

 

Men who hate their exes

Men who hate their mothers

Men who hate themselves

 

An ex-Catholic who asks “Do you always enjoy sex so much?”

An ex-Catholic who springs from the bed, face blood-red, and strips it bare

 

Guys who say, “Sex isn’t important.”

Guys who say, “I think I could be a writer, too.”

 

Guys who need help with their resumes

Guys who need help with their cover letters

Guys who need help with their curricula vitae

Guys who need help with their doctoral dissertations

Guys who need help with their PowerPoint presentations

 

The Sailor

The Farmer

The Fisherman

The Spaniard

The German

The Frenchman

The Mexican

The Canadian

The Brit

The Poet

The Bipolar Bisexual

 

Over-thirty undergrads, unhappy graduate students, self-loathing lawyers, self-doubting painters, self-important documentary filmmakers, overconfident composers & didactic inventors

Polyamory practitioners, unethical nonmonogamists, tantric sex aspirants, hypersensitive narcissists, functional alcoholics, clinical sociopaths, pathological liars, prospective date rapists, blowhards, assholes, idiots, & creeps

 

Exes and their current girlfriends

Exes and their current wives

Brothers of your friends

Friends of your brother

 

Drummers in bands at weddings at which you are a guest

Brothers of the groom at weddings at which you give a toast

Cousins of the bride at weddings in which you are a bridesmaid

Guests at weddings in which you are the maid of honor

Best men at weddings in which you read a Rilke poem

Groomsmen at weddings in which you read an original poem

 

 

tongue map color

 

IV. What You’ll Be If You Aren’t The One

older

younger

independent

“interesting”

funny

Jewish

 

the Californian

the American

the New Yorker

 

the writer

the stoner

the conversationalist

the adventurer

the libertine

the listener

the friend

 

the bed

the roof

the shower

the cabin

the boat

the Wi-Fi

the willing

the warm

the wet

the coffee

the view

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