TP Health Ltd
Pacific Highway
Ballina NSW 2478

January 20, 2008

Dear Thursday Plantation:

I am a frequent chewer of your Tea Tree Australian Chewing Sticks and carry a box with me at all times. Recently I removed a box from my pocket and opened it to find half the sticks missing and in their place a partially smoked marijuana cigarette. This is the third or fortieth time this has happened and I can no longer remain silent about this recurring problem.

As this correspondence will be conducted between the distant locales of America and Australia I will save us both some time and postage by addressing your obvious response to my concerns in advance. If you were planning to suggest that I was lucky enough to receive one of your special gift-prize boxes of toothpicks that comes with its own Doobie Fairy, think again, you friends of the kangaroo. To this I say, even if there is a Doobie Fairy, who smoked the better part of the doobie, and why haven’t I heard of this promotion before? I will not be misled by your clever Australian slang or aboriginal dot paintings. Don’t try to blame this on the Doobie Fairy or some other Australian myth when you and I both know full well that you are attempting to increase your profit margin by selling half-full boxes of Australian Chewing Sticks and taking up the empty space with useless roaches.

The price sticker on the box indicates that I paid $2.49 retail for these toothpicks. Please either

a) refund one-half of my $2.49 retail, plus cost of postage for this letter or
b) post me a replacement half-box of toothpicks and the rest of the doobie at once.

I demand restitution and look forward to this situation being rectified and my good faith as your customer restored. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.


Thorlo Sock Company
2210 Newton Drive
Statesville, NC 28677

January 20, 2008

Dear Thorlo Sock Company,

For some time I have been using your footwear products to the exclusion of all others. Depending on the season and activity, I wear a pair of your either Walking, Running, Snowboarding, Light Hiking, Trekking, Western or Combat Boot socks for women in size 9-11 at all times. I have come to trust your company to ensure my superior foot comfort and health under a variety of conditions.

However, lately it has come to my attention that while wearing Thorlo socks I sometimes have negative thoughts and even feelings of acute despair. At times I feel anxious, hopeless, alienated and nihilistic. I experience self-doubt, loneliness, bitterness, cynicism and paranoia. There are periods of darkness during which I come to believe I’m wasting my life, that I’m no good and will never amount to anything and all my most cherished ambitions were ridiculous flights of fancy. I falter in my most deeply held beliefs and on very rare occasions am unable to take pleasure in a beautiful sunset, the laughter of small children or the flight of a solitary bird across the gray winter sky.

In addition, I have had many romantic misadventures that have left me with deep wounds in my raw and fragile heart from which my only relief can be found in the consumption of alcohol and drugs. The consumption of alcohol and drugs has hastened the occurrence of further romantic misadventures, creating a vicious cycle many of the best doctors and poets say is incurable.

If there is any common thread between all of these experiences, it is Thorlo socks. I am wearing Thorlo socks when all of these things happen. In the summertime I wear no socks at all and am further pained to report that these problems I’ve mentioned abate somewhat. In the summertime, when I am not wearing Thorlo socks, life just seems a little easier, the world a little less cold and the days a little bit brighter.

I am therefore left with no choice but to conclude that the Thorlo Sock Company is responsible for these problems. I demand compensation in the amount of my Thorlo sock wardrobe, plus damages and other expenses incurred as a result of wearing these socks. According to my accountant, $158,464.38 should cover it. I would prefer to receive this restitution in cash, though I will accept a personal check.

If I can be of any help to you as you develop socks that don’t cause so much suffering, please do let me know. My time is limited and valuable, but I would be happy to spend an afternoon at your research facility in whatever capacity I can be of service.


Motorola, Inc. Global Headquarters
1303 East Algonquin Road
Schaumburg, Illinois 60196 USA

January 20, 2008

Dear Motorola,

In June 2006 I purchased a SLVR L6 cellular telephone from your company and have been using it with an AT & T National Service plan ever since.

During this time, the Motorola SLVR L6 has not rung to tell me that I’ve secured a book deal, a writing residency, a literary agent or even a nominal grant. It has not rung with any invitations to travel by private jet to a private island for a pig roast on the beach, nor to spend the afternoon drinking champagne in a rowboat. It has not rung to tell me of a large inheritance I am soon to receive from an unknown and aged relative who died peacefully in his sleep that will eliminate the indignity of my day job. My Motorola SLVR L6 has never conveyed to me news of cures for cancer or the common cold or pimples or menstrual cramps or broken hearts or myopia, not even once. Nor have I picked up my Motorola SLVR L6 to hear, “Holy fucking shit! The American empire is over and a new world order has begun and YOU are in charge! It’s on CNN! ” Nor did I ever, as was pictured in your advertising campaign, wear my Motorola SLVR L6 as a stylish earring.

It has, however, rung to tell me that my family dog was dying, which was a real fucking bummer, man.

I would like a refund and also a new telephone that will ring with some better news.


Leave A Comment