A Stupid Question

I have a really stupid question. Maybe it is so stupid I shouldn’t even ask it. My stupid question is about the evil people, the really bad ones, the ones who are fucking everything up. The oil people and the defense people. My question is: Why can’t they just find a new way to make money?

I try not to spend money, but I still do. Plenty. I spend money on ice cream and tuna tartar. I spend money on DVDs. I spend money on clever gadgets I mistakenly think will improve my life. Sometimes I spend money on gadgets that actually do improve my life. Gadgets break and are lost, so I spend even more money. Some things can be easily stolen or wheedled with smiles or made myself, but most cannot and so money is spent by me and therefore made by someone else. This says to me that there are other ways to make money, other ventures these fine fellows, these fucking assholes can pursue.

Can’t the oilmen just make iPods or iPhones? Can’t they make leather purses and sell them to rich ladies? I have read that rich ladies will go on fifteen-month waiting lists just to pay as much as a car–a car!–for a leather purse designed by the right temperamental gay man. But I know a lot of vegans who won’t like the leather purses. In that case, can’t they make up some new substance and kind of wind it around Kate Moss’s body a few times? Anything you wind around Kate Moss’s body is bound to be appealing to lots of people. She’s had a kid and done tons of blow and she still looks great. (Remember that, when they caught her doing the blow and vilified her? Models! And rock musicians! Do drugs! Scandal! But it’s all okay now. She can still sell stuff, like clothes and makeup that intimate the concept of doing cocaine with rock musicians that will instead be bought by middle-aged women in the suburbs who hate their husbands.)

Or maybe Kate Moss doesn’t look so great. Maybe it’s all done with computers, but if that’s the case, can’t they just wind something around her body with computers?

Maybe they could clone Kate Moss, and wrap her in titanium. Everyone loves titanium! Titanium-wrapped Kate Moss! Think of the profits!

And what about diamonds? Sure, it was DeBeers who invented the diamond as precious object, but now it is one. What if all the oilmen got together and made just a gigantic diamond and sold it back and forth to one another? Would that be satisfying to them? Could they stop now?

What about the workers? What about the workers? I got a plan for them, too, since you asked. Roller coasters, in every city park. And the best part of roller coasters is they don’t even use fuel. These roller coasters will need to be built and maintained, and we can prove that the economy will not collapse without oil and war, and oil wars.

I’m not saying my solution is the best, I’m just saying we need to start thinking outside the box.

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