An Open Letter to the Officials of the United States Government Expressing Gratitude for What Their Interest In My Reproductive System Has Done For Me

Dear Officials of the United States Government,

Not long ago, I wrote to thank you for your interest in my reproductive system. But I never expressed my gratitude for all the benefits I have reaped from your interest in my reproductive system.

You see, around the time of my sexual maturity, I was something of an ugly duckling. Boys did not like me. I was not considered attractive by conventional standards of American suburbia.

But when I realized that men, powerful men, men who flew planes, men who wore cowboy boots, men who owned oil companies, masculine manly men, were fascinated with my body, all that changed. I realized that I must be a very beautiful, sexy, and attractive woman, a woman with a very hot body, and more than that, that my body is a place not only worthy of passing interest, nor even fascination, but obsession. Through the United States Government’s willingness to discuss my crotch and womb on television, I began to feel as if my crotch radiated a special power that drew men to me as if by an invisible magnetic force.

The United States government’s obsession with my crotch has empowered me to sleep with any man I want. If I was ever plagued by the insistent echoes of the insecurities of the science nerd I once was, I simply thought to myself, “The Commander in Chief is totally obsessed with my crotch! Of course that half-drunk graphic designer would be happy to see what all the fuss is about.”

Because of your interest in my body and the confidence it has given me, I have been able to slut around with the highest quality of male specimens one can slut around with. I have slept with egotistical European trend forecasters, incoherent drummers and innovative found-object sculptors. I don’t think I would have had the confidence to make witty drunken conversation with these people and then have sex with them if I did not have the voices of my President, my vice-President, my Attorney General and other government officials whispering encouragement in my ear.

I have had a lot of fun, meaningless, no-strings-attached sex with no consequences whatsoever, and it is all because of YOU, The United States Government. You guys always wanted the best for me, even when I was too scared to admit that I deserved it. I’m just saying thank you, from the bottom of my heart and womb, for everything.

Yours in gratitude,
Emily Weinstein