Today is that peculiar holiday on which on which we pretend that acts of colonization and genocide were instead just a dinner party, and that the dysfunction of our families was instead just normal.

Did you know that in South America, to kill turkeys, people get the turkey drunk until it dies of alcohol poisoning? But if the turkey’s really, really ornery, not only will it not die, but it will still be trying to get it on with the girl turkey once it is drunk.

I am thankful that I am not a turkey, male or female, drunk or sober.

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