The Week That Will Change Everything

And on the first day, the Universe brought victory to the long-defeated.

And so it has been done. They said it couldn’t be done, they said it would never be done, and it had never been done in this way, and yet it was done. I think Curt Schilling, our friend and confidant, said it best when he said it was for Bill Buckner.

I had the excellent fortune to watch this auspicious series with a lifelong Red Sox fan. These are some of the things we observed and learned during our viewing of the World Series.

1. Manny Ramirez is totally a stoner. He is stoned. He doesn’t track fly balls until it’s too late. He missed hearing his name announced in Game 1 of the World Series and was pushed out of the dugout by his teammates. His eyes are always a little red and he looks chilled-out and childlike. He has fun hair. Manny Ramirez, stoner and World Series MVP.

2. Gabe Kapler is Jewish, and there really aren’t that many other Jews in baseball.

3. Bronson Arroyo has the most pained look on his face every time he gets ready to pitch.

4. Terry Francona never makes a mistake, especially in his pitching choices.

5. They say and do a lot of homoerotic stuff in baseball. But nothing is more homoerotic than the moment when the team finally wins and the catcher runs to the pitcher, jumps into his arms and wraps his legs around him.

6. Fox Sports does a really good job with montages, especially the one set to “In Your Eyes” and the one interspersing the Red Sox and Cardinals with shots of the full moon and its total eclipse.

To commemorate the convergence of the lunar eclipse and the Red Sox winning, Rebecca and I went to the baseball field in McCarren Park to pay our respects to the moon and baseball. We re-enacted the final out of the game and then lay down in the infield and watched as the clouds blew slowly over and past the moon, revealing Orion and at least three or four other stars. I saw a shooting star, one of the few I have ever seen in New York. We decided to perform a ritual to ensure that the good luck and justice of this event carries over into the election next week. We wrote the name of the Moron Puppet of Evil in the dirt and knelt before the radiant moon. We made a small burnt offering and asked for the help of all the gods and forces of all the denominations of the universe to come to our aid in ridding us of the Moron Puppet. And then we erased his name, stamped him out of existence, as he will be erased and stamped out, like all the curses whose time has come to be broken.

On the fifth day of this week, we will ask for tricks and treats. And on the seventh day, if curses broken in nationally televised infields and spells cast in deserted public park infields are any indication, we will be delivered from evil.

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