25 Things I Learned By the Age of 25

1. There is no inherent merit in any kind of labor or work. Most of what we call “work” in the so-called developed world is bullshit designed to distract you from fun and the harsh material reality of globalized capitalism. Feed yourself and and have a good time because soon you’ll be dead and this life is too short and beautiful to waste fueling someone else’s hegemony.

2. Fix small things around your house you have to deal with every day. Loose doorknobs, shaky hooks, things that fall down–your subconscious fear of your own closet can be alleviated with a screwdriver.

3. Do not cut articles of clothing with scissors while stoned, you will fuck them up.

4. Drink as much as possible at family gatherings. Family dysfunction will then seem to be only a play put on by actors, and if you are able to hold your liquor, your family will think that you are well-adjusted and cheerful. If you are not able to hold your liquor, your family will think you are drunk.

5. GO FREELANCE.

6. Buy quality consumer electronics. You will enjoy their pleasantly uninterrupted function.

7. If you enter into a relationship with someone, their problems become your problems.

8. It’s been scientifically proven that love is based on smell. If you fall in love with someone, and they wear one type of smell, let’s say CK One, and then at some point they switch smells, to let’s say CK Be, and then the relationship starts to get a little routine, and you wish it felt as intoxicating as it did in the beginning–well, it can! Just have them switch back to the original smell, and you will feel as if you have just met.

9. When people pull their bullshit with you, call them on it. Say, “I love you very much, but I will not participate in your bullshit.”

10. If you notice scratches and insect bites all over your body, bring a trail map next time you go hiking.

11. If you notice bruises on your head of unknown origin, move hard objects away from your bed.

12. Do not attempt to open cardboard boxes with kitchen knives while drunk.

13. Do not use a mitten as a bandage for a flesh wound. Bits of woolly fuzz will get stuck to your flesh wound, and blood will get stuck to your mitten.

14. If you want to save money, don’t leave your house. There is nothing to buy there and you don’t even need cab fare to get home.

15. Nothing will ever happen if you don’t leave your house. The further away from your house you go, the more you can expect to happen, because of all the unfamiliar people, roads and beverages.

16. Before you assume that you are puking up blood, ask yourself, “have I been drinking red wine?”

17. Before you assume that you are being bombed by enemy forces, ask yourself, “am I on hallucinogenic drugs?” If answer is “No,” ask yourself, “Has my country recently been invaded by colonizing forces in order to secure access to cheap oil and no-bid corporate contracts to rebuild my country after it is bombed to shreds, creating a situation where the colonizing government pays one set of its friends to make bombs to kill the innocent civilians in my country and another set of its friends to rebuild it?”)

18. If you want to be thinner, quit your desk job, walk everywhere, even–especially–if you have to walk quite far and cultivate a lifestyle that causes you to have wild mood swings that may distract you from eating for days at a time. Some things that can contribute to wild mood swings are ambiguous and doomed romantic situations, artistic frustration and absorbing the mainstream media.

19. Do not take psilocybin mushrooms during the Fourth of July fireworks if you are sensitive to loud noises. Do not take psilocybin mushrooms in the Museum of Natural History if you are sensitive to imperialism. Do not take psilocybin mushrooms near the Intrepid if you are sensitive to military spending.

20. All institutions exist solely to perpetuate themselves and very few of them are doing anything good for anyone. Many are doing a great deal of harm. Smash the ones you’re a part of and don’t join any more.

21. The law isn’t real and it doesn’t protect anyone. The people who make and enforce the laws are the ones most likely to break them. Thoreau was really on to something up there at the pond.

22. Fear will not keep you safe from harm.

23. Flossing is a very important part of dental health and hygiene.

24. “Rilke” is pronounced “Ril-kuh,” not “Ril-kee.”

25. It is very, very rare for someone to make you feel like you can be yourself with them, to make you think thoughts you never thought before, to want to know all about you and make you want to know all about them, to agree with you about all the things that are awesome and all the things that suck so you can form a united front in the world, to have the same idea of fun as you do, to make you laugh out loud, and to make your heart skip and pound just by touching you. Some people call this “love” and it is the best drug there is.