Found Religion

Having spent the entire month of February abstaining from all vices except chocolate, I now find myself at home on Saturday night reading the Bible. But Exodus was like a movie I’d seen one too many times (and that movie is called The Ten Commandments), and I soon abandoned the Old Testament for the internet, where I located the sacred texts of several major religions and started reading. This reminded me pleasantly of the time when I was a kid and invented my own religion to fill the void my atheist parents created by telling me, “There is no God, Emily, and don’t let anyone tell you differently.” I got stumped, however, by trying to define the word “pray” in a way that didn’t involve a deity. I was so anti-institution even then that my congregation of one disbanded itself.

I am thinking of taking another stab at it, after I’ve read the Egyptian Book of the Dead, the Tibetan Book of the Dead, the Bhagavad-Gita, the Middle Length Sayings of Buddha and the Quaran. Mine will be a “found religion,” based solely on flotsam that has migrated into my life and has inexplicable meaning to me. I think I may begin with the fortune cookie fortunes I’ve saved. Buddhism has the Eightfold path; my religion will have the Seven Fortunes:

1. Don’t wait for others to open the right doors for you.

2. It’s time you asked that special someone out on a date.

3. Someone will invite you to a karaoke party.

4. Sell your ideas–they are totally acceptable.

5. Look up an old friend if you’re feeling down.

6. Treasure your good memories and you need not worry about ending a banquet.

7. Because of your melodic nature, the moonlight never misses and appointment.

I will then cull my holy texts from the user manuals of my home appliances.