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Death and Logarithms

One of my more difficult kids today, champion eye-roller, adenoidal whiner, one who feels the indignity of being sixteen more acutely than most and takes it out on me. Probably doesn’t even need a tutor, seems to pick up a decent understanding of the material from class, but highly unmotivated, vulnerable to that oldest of […]

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Teenagers vs. Ethyl Alcohol

Teenagers, I have discovered, are like alcohol or drugs. Many of them also like alcohol and drugs, but that is another matter. I am herein concerned with the glaring similarities in my own life, between teenagers and that most famous of drugs, alcohol. Lately there have been more teenagers and fewer alcoholic beverages in my […]

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Talking to Myself and Other Entities of Questionable Reality

Often, when I need a little extra encouragement, I’ll mutter under my breath to myself, or to inanimate objects or entities. When I need to not vomit despite a horrific hangover, I’ll mutter, “Steady, Weinstein.” When I need to not freak out even if things appear to have taken a turn for the worse I’ll […]

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Sometimes You Are the Crazy Person on the Subway

The little girl in the stroller was eating pizza. Her mother was feeding it to her from a white paper bag. The pizza was cold and the cheese had congealed, but the little girl made happy noises with every bite. I was in a foul mood, one nostril inexplicably stuffed up, eyes itching from the […]

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Reading!

They’re closing down that place where we give readings! Doesn’t that suck? It does. Where will we read now? I propose the roof of my apartment building. It’s beautiful up there in the sky, and I have devised a way to transport martinis safely up the stairs. The real estate developers are closing down the […]

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Dings

In a few moments the red timer will ring. It just did. It is exactly 4:00 p.m. The red timer marks off the ten minutes for which I boil my eggs (which leaves the yolk just the tiny bit soft, but not liquid) the three minutes for which I steep my coca tea (which imparts […]

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Spectacles, Marriage & Civilization

I am getting closer to my glasses, I can feel it. Ever since I was robbed of my spectacles in South America, I’ve been dawdling in replacing them. But lately I’ve been picking up momentum. Every time I see an optician I duck in and try on all the frames. I’ll ask the salespeople to […]

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The Greatest Caper That Never Was

Momentarily contemplating committing insurance fraud and disappearing forever into the Intangible Zone.

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A Stupid Question

I have a really stupid question. Maybe it is so stupid I shouldn’t even ask it. My stupid question is about the evil people, the really bad ones, the ones who are fucking everything up. The oil people and the defense people. My question is: Why can’t they just find a new way to make […]

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In Your Neighborhood

With nothing better to do tonight, I went out for a walk and ended up, as Baudelaire says, taking a bath in the multitude. Modest Mouse was playing in McCarren Park Pool, an event of epic proportions of importance in the hipster universe in which I both fortunately and unfortunately reside. I circled the track […]

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