My Presidential Platform: Craggin’ Wagon One
Air Force One
and Marine One
will remain in service. But that bulletproof limo thing they call The Beast
will be donated to an endangered rap artist to be selected through national text-voting, like on American Idol.
There are actually two duplicate bulletproof limos that fly around in the cargo hold of Air Force One all the time. So we can save two engendered hip-hop artists! If we had done this earlier, we could have saved Tupac and Biggie. But we can’t look back. We have to go forward. Until we have time travel. Then we can save Tupac and Biggie.
The Beast will be replaced by—Craggin’ Wagon One!
Craggin’ Wagon One will be my one indulgence (besides the bat mitzvah). It will be a fully decked out Mercedes Sprinter van assembled in America from German parts. All wheel drive, the kind you can stand in, etc. It will run on vegetable oil. It will have cedar paneling. It may be decorated with some Tibetan prayer flags, if the Dalai Lama tells me during his White House visit that he does not find this offensive.
Craggin’ Wagon One will save taxpayers an estimated $1,438.564.00 off the cost of each Cadillac “Beast,” which cost $1.5 million. Using the “Build Your Van,” tool on the Mercedes-Benz web site, I have determined that Craggin’ Wagon One will cost approximately $61,436, before the purchase of the aforementioned Tibetan prayer flags. (The American people will not need to finance the purchase of any additional Rubbermaid plastic totes as the President already has plenty of those.) Some additional costs may be incurred in securing the Craggin’ Wagon, but the vegan “leatherette” interior will certainly be less expensive than Cadillac’s leather interior and other accoutrements.
The President will travel largely in Craggin’ Wagon One, like that genial and portly football enthusiast who is afraid of flying. Instead of Sunday radio addresses or staged town hall meetings, the citizenry will be invited to go Cragging With the President. The President will roam about the nation, cragging with the People, fifty-two Sundays a year.
For security reasons, the President will only give, not accept, belays. Security clearance will be required to belay the President.